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Battle Cries
The battle cry went out a few days before the attack. But the battle plans were not drawn up till shortly before the charge.
However like all well drawn up plans, things did not go as planned. It started going wrong from the outset with a late departure,
caused by the usual last minute fine adjustments that usually take place. The main party then advanced to the Queens Head,
leaving a few stragglers dotted about the office as they left. When they arrived they were greeted by an advanced party. Some
of whom had already been picked off during the wait for the arrival of the main group.
So the drinking begins. Some going straight in for the hard stuff, other taking the softly softly approach before warming up.
We were then joined by some of the stragglers coming in drips and drabs. They looked forlorn when they arrived, as they had
been working hard to complete their normal duties. But were soon engulfed in the rising energy levels of the war party. We
then chose to move on to the next camp, the Square Pig. The scene of previous eventful evenings, and this proved to be one
of those times again.
The Trap
The posy was complete and the fun began. People were getting on with the usual drinking efforts. Small groups began forming,
around their own little campfires, and associated stories. This went on for a while, and the group began getting restless.
Then a sudden story of a great flood emerged. Coming from the basin, not a large dip in the ground, but the toilet basin downstairs.
It began to spread throughout the lower regions. The demand for the facilities was then redirected to the upper level, single
room.
This is where our first highlight of the evening began. One of the party who shall remain anonymous, required the use of the
toilet. Oh I tried but I can't keep it quiet, it was Mik. This meant venturing from the safety of the main group and joining
the growing queue. After some time it was noted that she had not returned, and that she may have fallen asleep whilst waiting.
Then there was a disturbance in the queue. People became agitated, and had a look of urgency on their face. Another of our
party went to check, to shockingly discover, our friend had fallen foul of a fiendish trap. A door lock. Yes it sounds strange,
but its true. The trap had been cleverly set, using a simple device called a key.
At this point, the owner of the establishment started to panic, and urgent calls were made to people who could help. We became
worried that as time passed by she may have become over excited and needed her inhaler. We sent Nabs in for this task. There
was no need for alarm, as Mik had taken her survival kit on her journey, otherwise known as a "purse". Between the calls to
hurry up and get out, and being told to calm down, Mik finally sprang the trap, and managed to pass the key out. And the first
bit of fun came to a happy end.
At this point we then went to move. We also lost a few travellers at this time, due to varying routes being taken. But the
core posy carried on.
The Long Trek
We moved off heading in a general compass bearing of West towards Covent Garden. Various scouting parties from months gone
by had brought reports of different spots that had now become established forts. We moved towards one that was known as a
good drinking hole.
As we progressed some of the ladies present became tired, and so we found a stud named Adam. One by one they took turns in
riding. The first was taken off into the distance, and returned shortly. Only to find out later that this had resulted in
damage to another person's transportation, a broken window. The third ride was more interesting, as it started with the rising
of two half moons, which then proceeded to bounce off into the distance, illuminating everything to their rear. This was accompanied
with the sound of screams of joy and pain. The first was caused by nearly falling off. The second because of the immense pressure
exerted on the stud, by the mighty leg grips nearly breaking it in two. Then followed the gurgling sounds as the stud was
strangled. At this point the stud faded and returned to where it had come.
Now two missionaries emerged from our group, some sort of pattern emerges here; it was Mik and Nabs again. One of which went
of to try talking to the natives using the "Knock down ginger" method. Pushing every doorbell in sight. We then sent in some
of the local muscle, myself, to try and restore peace. This then caused the second missionary to go into action, and more
muscle was sent in to clean up, Kev this time. Again they escaped and upon recapture, one of the local nutters became upset
at the intrusion, and starting spouting insults. But being an outsider he spoke a different tongue, which when translated
came out as "Put your tits up your arse". This went down extremely well, and was the two missionaries retaliated. We finally
managed to loose the nutter at a cross road, after insults had been passed back and forth.
We then reached the watering hole called The Langley. We all managed to enter without trouble, and descended into the den of
inequity. This was much like any other place, apart from the company I was with. And this is what made it interesting. Again
the drinks were flowing, but this time something more was required. A dance floor. This however was not to be as there was
no dance floor available this time, for whatever reason. So attentions turned to other things, mainly the lifestyle led by
those that bend the other way. And the storyteller this time, Nabs. The topics covered included Batti Bashing, Gardening,
and Carpet Munchies. These were new topics to quite a number of us, and considering these came from one who was considered
to be new to the scene this counts as the most disturbing point of the night.
Sad Times
Apart from these stories we were becoming bored and decided that we should move on. It was at this time that we also came to
the saddest point of the evening. This was probably to do with the boring environment, and the long journey we had taken so
far. Our friendly Aussie became homesick. And for a while the mood became sombre. This is where our posy got down to the real
core, and we left with the aim of cheering her up. This was a challenge we were all ready to take part in.
But we hit a minor wall when another local nutter came along to try and get some of our earnings. Luckily armed with one of
the most fearful weapons of the time; a Nabeela; we had no trouble dealing with this one either. The crowning moment had to
be when the words "Do you take switch?" were uttered. We then knew things could only get better.
We walked off towards another destination. No one really knowing where we wanted to go. We had to find more fire water to clear
the mind of our Aussie mate so she would know that her home was all around her. Then another moment of madness cam from Nutty
Nab as she spotted some more boots, this was while wearing her Fuck Me boots. These were red ankle boots, with silver little
buckles all up the front. And just the thing that Nabs would love to wear on one of her nights out. So then we headed off
to what was now becoming the final frontier, right on the edge of our territory.
The Final Frontier
We reach the area known as Leicester Square, and stopped to re-group. This is where we noticed one of the core was gone, but
knowing Nev this was nothing to worry about. And just as I was explaining this, he came strolling back, food in hand. He had
a Whopper, and now things got ugly, we all wanted food. We now had to choose a place to go. Easier said than done, and Graham
and I needed relief real quick. After another five minutes of squabbling over the place, and we had to go. So we dived into
McDonalds, and went for a wiz. Obviously being this close to food was an opportunity not to miss, so we grabbed a quick cheese
burger before leaving.
Well out this far from home there was only one place we felt safe heading towards, Tiger Tiger. A scene of a previous episode,
where I was refused entry, yes me the nice guy was refused entry. Why, well they said I was too young, and had no ID. Well
we all know the truth; I was too cool to enter, with that long hair and baseball cap (which had actually been confiscated
by Nabs, but she wouldn't remember that).
We got to the club, and the two hard men that accompanied us, Nev and Kev, went off down the street. We all got in line, like
a bunch of sheep at a cattle market. We tripled off to distribute the females amongst the group. I think Mik got nervous at
this point as she must have been afraid of losing me because she gripped my hand so hard, I am now writing this with the use
of only one hand (another of the nights injuries). We got to the door and were granted entry, and yes I made it in this time.
As we were passing through the doors, the two wonderers returned. We got them in as well, as long lost compatriots.
We all filed down stairs to make our deposits, some at the cloakroom, others in the toilets. Some even did both. We finally
reached the cloakroom desk, and handed over our items. As usual last to make it were Nabs and Mik, and they ended up taking
ages while the rest of us began fading from starvation. We made the bar at last ready to begin the final stage; this was the
calm before the storm.
Quick Steppin'
We hit the dance floor moving really quickly. Well not all of us. The three amigos, myself, Nev and Kev, went to one side to
survey the surrounding. Here is where I got creative and created my own style of dancing (only witnessed by the three of us).
That was the Seated Flat Eric, by dancing in your seat and bashing your head in time with the music. It went all right, but
wont catch on. I also dreamed up the idea of the Matrix Club, a nightclub based on the film. There would be a large room for
dancing, with marble fittings, and marble columns down each side with seating behind them. Kev joined in the creative mood,
and suggested a second floor with an elevator at the end joining them. There is plenty of room for expansion along the same
theme as well. Anyway back to the group. We moved in to join the dancing.
We joined just in time to witness the others getting down and dirty for the first time that evening. This one deserves special
mention however. As it resulted in another of the night's injuries, when Adam was rudely dumped on the floor by Nabs. Just
as Mik went in and managed to kick him in the nuts, talk about kickin'em while they are down.
Dancing continued with everyone joining in, except Nev. Who in usual fashion stood to one side taking on the role of the loan
ranger, still surveying the arena, before committing to any action. Finally he stepped forth and the other blokes in the group
stood back in awe, as we watched the master at work. He glided smoothly onto the dance floor and began to move with rhythm
of the music. We on the other hand were contemplating writing a computer program to try and work out what it was, so we could
join in. We have theories about how Nev did it, but he didn't even appear to try, it just came natural. This in conjunction
with the Blade outfit, and we had no chance.
Hotting Up
Another note worthy point here, was the bungee jumping going on. Not the usual affair, but this one involved the Aussie's G-banger,
being given a tug and sending her flying. This place looked like an oasis when we first walked down stairs, the upper floors
looking more like a cattle market. But things were now hotting up, with the temperature rising and the dancing getting more
lively.
In this barren wasteland, we instigated survival techniques learnt on previous trips, some ice was fetched. This was then distributed
liberally, amongst everyone, by everyone. This mainly involved sticking it down each other's clothes. The majority seemed
to target itself on our Aussie friend, must have been as she came from a hot place. She tried sharing some, but we then found
the real reason for hanging shirts outside our trousers, so that any ice put down them fell out. Well most of it did, poor
old Graham now became our next victim, shooting off to the toilet with some urgency. He was gone a while, but returned to
explain he had suffered some minor frostbite in the nether regions, as a result of three ice cubes. Mik used to swim a lot,
but on this occasion wasn't wearing her bikini, which would have been useful as she was now soaking wet from the onslaught
of ice. Well that's what she told us, it could be have been because she pissed her self laughing.
Then another cooling trick started, I wonder who was the Eskimo amongst us. We tried the age-old art of mouth-to-mouth ice
hockey. Several passes were made, with some success, a couple ended up shooting across the floor. Then there was a crash as
the bottle in my hand was knocked flying as Graham swung his arm in some attempt to convey something while talking. This ended
our ice age.
All night there had been some night animals prowling around the edge of the group. The fire at our core kept them at bay. But
now we began to spread out, and then Goofy returned. He got this name first from his front teeth sticking out. And from the
fact that I think he got kicked out from the School Disco as a pervert because he looked like he was dressed as a school kid.
Either way he now hooked up with Nabs, who at this point was dancing with anything in range, wow he thought his luck had changed.
That was until some level of cognition returned, and Nabs recoiled in disgust.
The Corner Spot
We were all mixing around now, and we spotted someone for Adam to pick on, someone his own height. This kept him amused for
a while, going on a wild goose chase. Finally he moved in for the kill, but came up against Annie Oakley who quickly shot
him down. And so he came back empty handed.
After dancing for as long as we had, and then being kicked by someone who was being spun around, my knee suddenly gave up and
I retired to the seats. From this vantage point I could survey the local fauna, where some interesting focal points were visible.
There were a few interesting birds wondering about, not the animal kind either. Kev came over for a break. Then he noted some
serious action going on in the corner. Well it was dark over there, but it didn't leave too much to the imagination. We had
a good laugh, mainly from amazement. One of the staff members also spotted the action, and didn't quite know what to do. He
was darting back and forth, and then ran off up stairs with a large smile on his face never to be seen again. We were then
joined by some of the others.
This left Mik and Nabs out there all alone still going strong. Now the vultures moved in, trying to pickup the remains. But
our two were by no means parched, or ready to give up, and valiantly fought them off, except where they thought they might
have some fun. Well the boys were getting restless again, and wanted to move on, this time to their place of rest. We went
over and informed the other two that we were going, but to no avail they were well and truly engrossed in their surroundings.
Leaving at last
So we gave them a bit more time. There was a quick exchange, phone numbers this time. Then we tried again to leave. It finally
took Kev to grab Nabs by the scruff of her pants and drag her out backward. And I grabbed Mik and we started the slow haul
to the exit. They got away, and we both had to try again. This time Kev went in hard and lifted Nabs clear off her feet, the
only way she was going in his direction. I found it a little easier and steered Mik in the right direction.
We got up the stair with a little pushing and pulling, the others were waiting at the top. Then we had to descended back to
the cloakroom, oh what a challenge. We got through the other dance floor, having to stop off for quick boogie, and then the
stairs. Well at this point, Nabs must have been feeling like she was left out from all the previous injuries. So while being
led downstairs took a dive, nearly dragging me off my feet. Luckily I was still pretty stable and managed to slow her descent.
Good old Kev was pretty quick as well and managed to grab her other arm. So we got her down safely the first time, and the
proceeded to lift her up. But she had some sort of death wish at this point and went straight over the other way. We caught
that one too.
At this point we thought it a good idea to leave Mik and Nabs topside while we grabbed all our stuff. So we went down stairs
to get things, only to find the two of them being escorted down very slowly. Again Nabs impeccable timing showed up, as she
decided to join the fire fighting service. She tried wanting to slide down a pole, in this case going down the banisters.
That is of course while Kev was holding her shoulders up.
They finally arrived, and went straight to the loo. Deliberately walking into the male toilets. We expected the attendant on
duty to kick them out quickly, but they came out of their own accord. They then disappeared into the correct toilet. When
they got out it was time to get up stairs again, which went fairly well. We then had to get across the dance floor and out
the door. This took some effort again with the Kev and I tackling the other two once more, finally getting everyone outside.
The Last Stand
Now even more night animals crowded us. This time the late night mini cab drivers, which you usually have to kick away as you
move along. On this occasion we had to get one such person to drive two of the group back home. So Nabs began negotiations,
causing more trouble by giving the wrong destination for Mik. We soon sorted that out and eventually got a good deal on their
fare. Nev at this point thought it was time to head off, and went to catch a night bus.
This left the hard core group, myself, Graham, Adam and Nabs. We started the slow walk back to the office, our final destination.
But poor old Nab's feet were not taking the evening so well. So we stopped of at McDonalds. We got her a quick coffee, while
she rested her feet. While we were away getting it, she made some new friends. Amazing doesn't matter where you go she always
finds someone. They had ended up at one of the clubs that had been mentioned as a possible stop off point earlier in the evening.
Well they finally left, and Nabs was once again ready to move.
We took off again heading for the office, and after some walking arrived. The next challenge was to get into the office without
being kicked out. Well the best way of doing this, as done before on a few occasions, is to walk in slowly not talking just
show the card and say hello, and go straight up. This was like going into the old saloon with swinging doors, except we have
revolving doors and going up to the bar with everyone watching. We went to the desk to sign in, everyone trying to look sober,
and serious.
We had to put the time down, so I asked what it was. Adam responded with four o'clock, and we all thought it couldn't be that
late. So Nabs says, "No its not, its two forty five", and looks at her watch. Then exclaims "Ooooh" as she sees the real time.
Well we head of to the lift anyway, and this is where previous attempts have started to fall apart. And again on this attempt
it nearly went wrong, as I told everyone not to start laughing or anything. Nabs stifled her laugh and we got the doors shut.
Well we made it back in one piece, and everyone prepared to go to sleep. Everything was ready, but I had arranged to sleep
elsewhere from the other three for a very good reason. The lights being trigged by movement are really sensitive, and with
three other people there was a good chance of them not going out at all. As it turned out this was true this evening. Everyone
said good night, and we all went off to sleep.
At the end of such an evening as everyone went off to sleep, the line that comes to mind is, "The mighty have fallen".
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